borsha

nirvoye_nilakas · October 23rd, 2007, 12:10 AM

***borsha***

bristir gun-gun gaane mukhoritho akash,
mritthikar sostir nisshase vari hoyeche batash.
sukhno patar mormor dhoni r bajbena,
emon dine sei obuj meye bodhu sajbena.

aam kurathe bestho kishur-kishuri,
kinchith jogra,gala-gali bahari.
jiler shamukh gulu aaj rashtay utese,
nobo-saje keya-kodhom futese.

gotho shithe j nodhi shukhiye moru hoyesilo,
a baridhara eke juboti kore dilo.
bare bare bojropath,eki shudhu voy!
akash buji fetei vasha loy.

puthro sukhe kadhchen pasher barir chachi,
chele juddhe giyesilo,ekhonoki royese bachi?
chachi kadhen,akash kadhe,
r kotokal ora lege takbe fadhe.

jubothi romonir dekha o maji peyese,
chiro-chena gaan k tai she beshure geyese.
majitai ki okaron neshay pashi hoy bolo!
bristi tai j shorbonashi madhok holo.

keya bon-a hochche nana ayujon.
kolmilothar gushol sarthe aro jol proyujon.
sob bang tai jol jol bole dakhse,
shapla-podmo joler hisheb rakhse...............

.................................................. ......................
baki ongsho pore debo
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**afsana911** · October 28th, 2007, 03:44 AM

bakita pore keno?! jai hok, really nice poem.

**BoIRaGi** · October 28th, 2007, 05:03 AM

thik Y to ... pore diba keno ? ...... taratari poem colplete koro brO !!!

**Rio** · October 28th, 2007, 08:53 AM

dada akhon london e je bristi hoi tate ami amar deser modhur bristi vule jai cold er chote haha. nice poem bro. keep goin.

feona · October 28th, 2007, 10:34 AM

akhon boiche siter amej
fur-fure hemail haowa,
kothai pele nil ?
bristir jolo-dhara..

aam kurote besh lage sottO
ami kishori hobo!!!!!
keya-kodom khopay porbo

baki ongsho pore keno baba?
aam churir thakbe ki kore moja..

ronohungkar · October 28th, 2007, 02:56 PM

Interesting try Nirvoye nilakash!

I just have one question, the whole thing you wrote, did you try to read it in one breath? Or did you read it just two lines at a time? Cause when I try to read it as a whole it does not rhyme the way it should be, on the contrary it looks like a bundle of two liner rhymes added together without trying to sense the whole system of rhyming.

Just another small thing I will point out to you.....you have either less words then there should be in order to make the whole four lines sound nice or you have more words then necessary.

puthro sukhe kadhchen pasher barir chachi,
chele juddhe giyesilo,ekhonoki royese bachi?
chachi kadhen,akash kadhe,
r kotokal ora lege takbe fadhe.

Look at the third line, do you sense that you are missing a few words there which would have made it sensible? I don't mean to hurt you or anything, these are just some honest opinion.

CorE · October 28th, 2007, 09:36 PM

Hmm Ronoda good sense.. and judgement.. Nirvoye bro.. You have tallent for sure.. But ekta kobitai rhyme koratai boro kotha na.. ami banglai e bolchi.. Chonder taal rakhte giye kobitar bhab murti nosto korata ami kobir priority mone korina.. Kobitar bhabmurti thakbe sthulo... and rhyme apekkhik.. I know Its hard to write a poem with english text .. different people spell a word different way.. So when i tryed to read it I just goofed.. kichui asheni mathai.. So try to write it in a paper with bangla text or in any website.. then scan it in the computer one more thing u can do If you bangla software Just type it down take a screeen shot and upload it.. That way atleast we wont have any confusion about a word.. Kobitar shorolotatai nosto kore dei english letter a bangla spelling.. Anyways good one bro.. hop you will join in the compitation.. With better poems

Good luck man!

feona · October 28th, 2007, 09:57 PM

puthro sukhe kadhchen pasher barir chachi,
chele juddhe giyesilo,ekhonoki royese bachi?
chachi kadhen,akash kadhe,
r kotokal ora takbe potho cheye
you guys can add sumthings to make it sensible
or u can write a similar 1 that will help him to correct it
but wrinting poetry is not easy u shud noe dat

CorE · October 28th, 2007, 10:05 PM

Feona.. thanks for the info "poetry eto easy na"

Ami Dairyr patai othoba moner shada jomine..
Neel ronger kalite othoba ridoyer rokto khorone..
Likhe choli nisshongotar kotha.. shopno bhanga dusshopner kotha..
bhalobashar upomai badha.. Premik ek kobir Ridoyer Betha..

ronohungkar · October 29th, 2007, 12:16 AM

Awesome Hypercube! Joss bolcho & likhcho!

Feona, when you write something do you expect only to get oh this is so nice, oh this poem is gr8, oh you write so lovely all the time? When you write something and post it, you should be ready to accept constructive criticism. Tao to bhaggo bhalo je aro harsh critic such as severus dekhe nai ei post.

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The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to nirvoye_nilakas For This Useful Post:
feona (October 28th, 2007), mina (October 30th, 2007), Rio (October 28th, 2007)

The Following User Says Thank You to ronohungkar For This Useful Post:
mina (October 30th, 2007)

The Following User Says Thank You to CorE For This Useful Post:
mina (October 30th, 2007)

The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CorE For This Useful Post:
mina (October 30th, 2007), ronohungkar (October 29th, 2007)

**** borsha ****

borsha